Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
