nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
