It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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