I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
where are my eyebrows?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I did not marry a roomba.
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