it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
