Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
