the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
