I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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