I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
