By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
