IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
