I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
