You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
