Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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