I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
