you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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