I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
smell my finger.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
