So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
