I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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