did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
