I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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