i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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