my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
pop tarts are not kleenex
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Randomize
