so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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