seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
