my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize