Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
