Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
