You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
