I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you didnt know i had herpes?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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