Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
