I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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