She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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