I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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