Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
