My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I was not drunk enough for that final.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize