Already got asked if we're dating
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
