yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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