dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
