My Higher Power is John Stamos
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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