you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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