just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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