I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So drunk its hurt
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
