Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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