another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
