he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
