sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
