First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize