i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
