I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
