Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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