apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
