Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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