So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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