I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize