me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
