I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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