Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
