Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think my vagina is haunted
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
