I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
