took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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