Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
