I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
