Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My liver just broke up with me...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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